Where did she go?

So, I used to blog regularly...

Recently, I went back through all of my posts, starting at the beginning. It has been fun and painful. It has brought great big smiles and a few tears. Life has been full and I was reminded at how greatly blessed I am. But I was struck by some uncomfortable truths as I looked back.

I was always mentioning how busy life was. Of course it was busy; married with four kids, a job, sports, etc... Why did I think it would be otherwise? And truthfully, I chose to be busy; too busy at times. I chose what I prioritized and what I let go of along the way. Today, in reflection, I own it. Blogging was no longer a priority to me, no excuses, just the truth.

However, as I reflected on the blogging I did initially and then over the years as it tapered off, I realized that the deeper reason it was no longer a priority was because I had become hard hearted and jaded. I was less and less dependent on God. I distanced myself from Him and in doing so I no longer had a use for this outlet. Yes, I could have kept blogging about my family but the heart of this blog was my heart and it was broken. For the past two years especially I have walked through a personal valley of the shadow of death. Depression has been debilitating; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am not a stranger to depression as it is something I battle off and on. I want to be clear, I was never hopeless to the point of not wanting to go on. I laughed and felt joy in certain things. But there was a darkness and heaviness to every day. It was (and some days still is) hard to function. Depression is not an excuse though.

I prayed and read my Bible, at times. I talked about spiritual things. I even taught spiritual things. I was a hypocrite! I was doing all of it out of my own self. I knew I needed to make my relationship with God a priority and discipline myself to be with Him. Yet, I chose not to most days. I would contemplate my need and even hold my Bible but never open it. I would ask God to convict me and He would, but then I would come up with an excuse. I avoided accountability and often lied about how I was really doing.

As I read the blog entries from years past, I began to wonder, where did that woman go?

I am working to uncover her. She is still there, but has been buried. She needs to be set free. And I feel the chains breaking. God is faithful even when I am not. He is gracious and forgiving even when it is so undeserved.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is Jonah 3:1, "Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time..." He is the God of second chances. His Word is living and active. He loves to restore and redeem.

We all experience the "pit" from time to time. But He "has brought my life up from the pit" (Jonah 2:6).

Today I am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus. I will choose to prioritize my relationship with Jesus above all else! And hopefully along the way I will find my voice again.

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In case you care, here is a little bit of a family update...
Alex is a senior. He will be graduating in exactly 4 months. He has finished his high school soccer career, will complete his high school basketball career next week and then will head to Hungary with his class next month. He works at Burger King and enjoys it. He plans to take a year off and work before moving into a field of work or study.
Jackson is in 10th grade. He has continued to play soccer and basketball and this spring is making a return to the stage in the school musical. He works at Family Cupboard (a family owned restaurant) as a dishwasher and he loves it.
Stephen is in 8th grade. He continues to play soccer almost year round. He also plays basketball and will probably give volleyball another chance this spring. He is finishing up his middle school career and is looking forward to high school. He also continues to excel at academics and has maintained his status on the Distinguished Honor Roll.
Emma is in 5th grade is officially part of the middle school, which means she can play sports for school. She played volleyball this past fall, has been the starting point guard for her basketball team and is very excited to play soccer this spring.
Aaron continues to work for Canteen Vending. In addition he moved from assistant to Head Coach of the Varsity Girl's Basketball team this year. The team is doing well and he is loving this role.
I (Heidi) continue to work for Grace Church though my role has changed a bit from when I first started. And honestly will probably change again in the future. I also have coached middle school boys soccer the past two years and will add the middle school girls to my schedule this spring. Like Aaron, coaching is a huge part of my life and it allows me to enjoy my happy place (just about any soccer field).

Senior Pictures

What is your favorite part of Christmas?

Over the past week or so, I have been asked to share with different groups my favorite part of Christmas. It could be a tradition or what I would choose to cherish if the holiday was reduced to one thing, etc...

As I reflected upon this holiday and the season, I began to think of my favorite moment each year...

It is the moment on Christmas morning when the house is quiet. Everyone else is still in bed. (Our kids do not wake up early to open presents, they actually sleep in. I will explain this tradition in another post.) I go to the area of the house where our tree is set up, I grab a cup of coffee and my Bible. I make sure the Christmas lights are on and occasionally I will also light a candle.

And I sit in the silence...This is it. This is my favorite moment of the Christmas season. It is actually my favorite moment of the year.

For me, this is the first moment of the season when there is nothing pressing. No more services to plan for, no more special events to attend, no more shopping lists, no more presents to wrap, nothing but peace and silence with Jesus.

Each year as I sit in the silence I ask God to reveal something to me through those quiet moments. I read Luke 2: the Christmas story. And each year He shows up and speaks to me.

For example, last year I was a few weeks removed from back surgery; one that did not work, so I was still in pain. Because of my surgery and the pain, I didn't decorate the way I would have liked. I couldn't wrap the presents so Aaron did it. (And he doesn't do it like I do.) And my Christmas tree had a strand or two of lights that had stopped working. Needless to say it was a bit discouraging to sit in the silence last Christmas morning. In fact, I was crying before even opening my Bible. But as I read the story of Christ's birth, I heard God speak to my heart, "I came". "I came for you. Not for lights and perfectly wrapped gifts, not for the decorations, I came for you."

This year, we are in the process of moving. Since I have been sharing my favorite moment recently, I began to worry about this year. Would I have a tree? Would I be able to find the decorations? Would the shopping get done? Would I have my moment? And then it hit me: Worry robs us of peace! And that is really what my moment is each year. It is peace. And peace is ultimately found in the fact that Jesus came. So no matter what the surroundings, I know my moment is going to happen. And it doesn't have to be just a moment. It can be the reality of everyday.

Day of Blessings (12-4-15)

About 5 1/2 years ago, God called our family to a new place. He asked us to follow Him in obedience and move away from our family and friends. While He did not ask us to move to another country or to move to a place where life would be drastically different culturally, He did ask us to make a difficult move. And we obeyed.

After moving it took an additional two years for our home to sell, thus creating a new dynamic for our family: long term renting. Over the past five years we have lived in three different rental houses. We have never really settled into a home because we knew that even if it were for a few years, it was temporary.

Well, God has provided and allowed us the privilege of buying a home. Tomorrow we close on the house and we anticipate the freedom to make it fully ours. Our prayer is that God will allow this structure to be a place of safety and blessing to our immediate family but to many others as well. We want to give this house back to Him so that He might be brought glory.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. -Joshua 24:15

Would you please join us in prayer tomorrow? We ask that you please set aside some time to make tomorrow (12-4-15) a day of blessings for our new house. While we do pray that the closing will go smoothly; we would ask that you pray that as we establish more permanent roots in our community, that God will be made known in and through our family. Pray that we have opportunities (and act on them) to talk about our amazing God. Pray that our home is one that offers safety and hope. Pray for whatever God lays on your heart...

And thank you!!

The Holidays...

I LOVE SUMMER. I love the warmth and even the humidity that comes with it. I love a good storm or simply rain when it is warm enough to walk in it. I love ice cream or a cold beer on a warm day. I love the length of the daylight with the sun filling most of my waking moments. It has always been my favorite season of the year. So it is interesting that this year, I am looking forward to cooler temperatures, enjoying the change of season and even anticipating winter.

I have been in church ministry for over 13 years. And when the calendar flips to November I have come to dread the weeks that follow. November (and most years even late October) and December are filled with preparation, extra events, and pressure. For many churches the Christmas season is when those occasional church goers will go to church. It's about tradition for many. In light of the potential guests much pressure is put on church staff to be prepared and to be "on call" during the season. Now, please know that I understand it. I get it. I participate in it. I prepare for it. I am available. But all of it has contributed to the essence of the season being "lost" for me personally.

This year though, it was like a flip of the switch, which interestingly coincided with the turning of the calendar to November. I have had moments each day this month (which yes, is only 4) where my heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and awe. Even to the point of tears. And I am so very thankful for those moments.

The moments are a reminder that this season of the year is not one to be rushed through. It is not a season to say "I'm thankful for..." and move on. It is not one in which we are to frantically shop to give gifts and hurry to the next party or family gathering.

So what is this season really about...for me it is about being willing to sit. To listen. To give but also to receive. To not just receive but to appreciate not just the gift but more importantly the giver. It is about hope, joy and peace. It is about living in the moment and loving those I am with. It is about being still and knowing that He is God. God our ultimate provider. God with us. It is about saying thank you, not just with my words but with my life. It is about being filled with the Spirit of God and not the "spirit of the season", because HE is the reason we give thanks and celebrate during the next two months. And it is about not just recognizing these things for a few weeks but to be transformed by the hope, joy and peace of God every moment of the year, no matter what season we are in.

A year gone by...

Well, it has been almost a full year since I last posted to this blog. WOW! Time sure does fly and other things in life become more of a priority over the past year.

As I looked at the post from a year ago, I realized that life is still very much the same as it was, though the kids look so young. Soccer is a daily part of our lives (yes, all seven days of the week). We are wrapping up school soccer, though Stephen's travel team schedule is packed through the weekend before Thanksgiving.

Jack and Stephen are on the middle school team and have two games remaining. Should they win both or one against a specific rival, they will be the MS champions. (No playoffs at this level.) Jackson has scored a number of goals this season and has really stepped into a leadership position within the team. Stephen has been moved from defense to midfield and has brought some needed stability to the middle of the field. It has been fun to see the improvement and skill that has continued to develop over the past few months.

And speaking of improvement, Alex is a starter on the Varsity team and has made significant impacts on that team based on his increased speed and strength. While his team will not make a repeat undefeated run at the title, they have secured a playoff spot for a chance to defend their conference championship title. The other very exciting part of this team is that they are only losing one senior and the incoming freshman class (Jack's class) is a class that is stacked with talent and depth. So for the next two years, this team should do very well. (I can't believe that next year two of my boys will be in high school!!)

The past year has held a lot of exciting and life changing events. Here are a few:

• I had two back surgeries (December and January) and now I am pain free. Praise the Lord! I have even golfed a few times and began running this fall, all without back and nerve pain. 
• We went to Disney!!
• The boys all played basketball and Aaron coached girls over the winter (yep-FOUR schedules to juggle). The teams saw great success, beating some rivals and going further in playoffs then ever before.
• Alex was the Homecoming rep for his class.
• He also asked a girl to the Homecoming Banquet (after first asking her dad for permission).
• Emma played spring soccer once again and was a leading scorer. After years of watching her brother's  play and even practicing with them, she has a great understanding of the game that allows her to excel.
• Stephen's travel team made it to the final game in their spring tournament. And this fall they have had great success when their games haven't been rained out.
• We enjoyed a great summer vacation at the lake (despite major car issues), even enjoying a houseboat for a few days!
• Jackson was baptized over the summer.
• Alex led a portion of communion for our church's youth led service. 
• And most recently we put an offer on a house and it was accepted. Of course there is still the process of inspections and appraisals, but if all goes well we should be into our new home in the beginning of December.

God is so amazingly gracious to us. We know we are blessed and we thank God for those blessings! Our desire is that in all of the blessings and in the hard times as well, God would be brought great glory. 

Hopefully I can get back into a routine that includes writing and sharing on this blog. However, who knows, it could be another year...

Fall!!

Well, this fall is flying by. The kids actually just finished up the first semester of school and their school soccer season. Part of the speed at which it has seemed to pass is that I spent 18 days in Thailand. While I was gone, time kept moving and here we are almost to basketball season. I am enjoying the couple of days (aka one week) between sports seasons. :)

Below are some pictures of the boys playing soccer. Stephen (#2) and Jackson (#16) both played on the middle school team this year. Alex (#4) played on Varsity. Alex's team ended up going undefeated in the conference (made up of Christian schools) all the way through the championship. YAY!! They struggled a bit within the district (which includes public and private schools based on size) but were seeded 5th going into the postseason. They won their first round game but lost the second. The season was a lot of fun to watch!!

I will try to add some pictures and stories from my trip to Thailand. It was a great trip and I would love to be able to go back someday, though I would love to have my family along as well. :)