Where did she go?

So, I used to blog regularly...

Recently, I went back through all of my posts, starting at the beginning. It has been fun and painful. It has brought great big smiles and a few tears. Life has been full and I was reminded at how greatly blessed I am. But I was struck by some uncomfortable truths as I looked back.

I was always mentioning how busy life was. Of course it was busy; married with four kids, a job, sports, etc... Why did I think it would be otherwise? And truthfully, I chose to be busy; too busy at times. I chose what I prioritized and what I let go of along the way. Today, in reflection, I own it. Blogging was no longer a priority to me, no excuses, just the truth.

However, as I reflected on the blogging I did initially and then over the years as it tapered off, I realized that the deeper reason it was no longer a priority was because I had become hard hearted and jaded. I was less and less dependent on God. I distanced myself from Him and in doing so I no longer had a use for this outlet. Yes, I could have kept blogging about my family but the heart of this blog was my heart and it was broken. For the past two years especially I have walked through a personal valley of the shadow of death. Depression has been debilitating; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am not a stranger to depression as it is something I battle off and on. I want to be clear, I was never hopeless to the point of not wanting to go on. I laughed and felt joy in certain things. But there was a darkness and heaviness to every day. It was (and some days still is) hard to function. Depression is not an excuse though.

I prayed and read my Bible, at times. I talked about spiritual things. I even taught spiritual things. I was a hypocrite! I was doing all of it out of my own self. I knew I needed to make my relationship with God a priority and discipline myself to be with Him. Yet, I chose not to most days. I would contemplate my need and even hold my Bible but never open it. I would ask God to convict me and He would, but then I would come up with an excuse. I avoided accountability and often lied about how I was really doing.

As I read the blog entries from years past, I began to wonder, where did that woman go?

I am working to uncover her. She is still there, but has been buried. She needs to be set free. And I feel the chains breaking. God is faithful even when I am not. He is gracious and forgiving even when it is so undeserved.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is Jonah 3:1, "Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time..." He is the God of second chances. His Word is living and active. He loves to restore and redeem.

We all experience the "pit" from time to time. But He "has brought my life up from the pit" (Jonah 2:6).

Today I am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus. I will choose to prioritize my relationship with Jesus above all else! And hopefully along the way I will find my voice again.

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In case you care, here is a little bit of a family update...
Alex is a senior. He will be graduating in exactly 4 months. He has finished his high school soccer career, will complete his high school basketball career next week and then will head to Hungary with his class next month. He works at Burger King and enjoys it. He plans to take a year off and work before moving into a field of work or study.
Jackson is in 10th grade. He has continued to play soccer and basketball and this spring is making a return to the stage in the school musical. He works at Family Cupboard (a family owned restaurant) as a dishwasher and he loves it.
Stephen is in 8th grade. He continues to play soccer almost year round. He also plays basketball and will probably give volleyball another chance this spring. He is finishing up his middle school career and is looking forward to high school. He also continues to excel at academics and has maintained his status on the Distinguished Honor Roll.
Emma is in 5th grade is officially part of the middle school, which means she can play sports for school. She played volleyball this past fall, has been the starting point guard for her basketball team and is very excited to play soccer this spring.
Aaron continues to work for Canteen Vending. In addition he moved from assistant to Head Coach of the Varsity Girl's Basketball team this year. The team is doing well and he is loving this role.
I (Heidi) continue to work for Grace Church though my role has changed a bit from when I first started. And honestly will probably change again in the future. I also have coached middle school boys soccer the past two years and will add the middle school girls to my schedule this spring. Like Aaron, coaching is a huge part of my life and it allows me to enjoy my happy place (just about any soccer field).