Have you ever felt that you hit a wall? Maybe while trying to reach a goal, maybe emotionally (usually evidenced by lots of laughing about everything/nothing or in the inability to stop crying), maybe during an exercise workout, maybe spiritually... At some point in time we all hit a wall. For me I have been repeatedly hitting the same wall for about 2 weeks. Guess what?! My head hurts, literally and figuratively.
Today it manifested itself after yet another rough night of sleep, or lack thereof. (And I even took sleep aids to help.) I could not get moving. I just physically could not get it going this morning. To grasp the fullness of my inability to get moving I did not even attempt to make my coffee until well after 8:00 a.m. I barely got of the couch long enough to get dressed to take Emma to school. I must say that I am truly thankful for each of my children's ability to get themselves dressed, get their own breakfast, and get ready for school.
After taking Emma to school I went back home and finally made some coffee. As I sat in my living room I began to cry and cry out to God. I began to selfishly cry out all of MY issues, complain about MY tiredness, and ask God to remove MY burdens. And then my cries turned less selfish as I released all of those things and gave them to God. Please know that I believe that God can handle all our cries, even in our selfishness. I also believe that when we are honest before God our prayers do change our hearts. I realized, in my time with God this morning, that in my brokenness and feelings of discouragement and tiredness that it is precisely where I need to be. For in my weakness, His strength shines through. When I am broken before Him then there is opportunity for God's glory to break through.
Physically I still feel like I have hit the wall. Life is just very busy right now and so my mind races from one thing to another at all hours. Emotionally, I am still at the wall. But this morning provided a good release. Spiritually I am still broken, but now I am OK with that position.
There are no major feelings of change, there was no miraculous energy given or amazing shedding of light on any certain situation (I still want to just crawl back in bed and I am still not clear on things, such as: why has our house in IN not sold?). But I am resting in the strength of my God and Savior. For He is good and His love for me is unending and beyond my comprehension. There is great peace in that knowledge. And no matter my circumstances, self imposed or otherwise, I will praise Him who is the only One worthy of my praise.
Praise brings down walls!
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